I'm a sensitive, over-emotional, wear my heart on my sleeve type of gal. For years, I hated that about myself. I would get in trouble or corrected at school and would have to fight back tears. I saw a dead dog on the side of the road one time and cried all the way home and then for hours after. I was once so sad at Thanksgiving because the guy on the radio was working and not able to celebrate! I sobbed through my wedding vows.
You get the idea.
Like I said, it was not my favorite part of myself. My achilles heel in a way. I needed to get thick skin and not be so sensitive! On the other hand, my parents would often remind me that because I feel the bad and sad stuff so much, I also feel the good stuff that much more as well. For that, I should be thankful. The tears that flow from good, happy times are worth those pesky other ones. I had to learn this on my own, however. A little before I met Ross, I worked with someone who was the very opposite of me in this respect. Over time, we talked about our thoughts on lots of things. At first I wanted to be more like him. He believed in God, but you could describe his emotional line as STRAIGHT! Mine would be more hills and valleys. After further conversation, I changed my mind and finally grasped what my parents had been saying. I didn't want to be like this guy. I would take the lows of the valley to feel the highs of the hills. I need to point out that this isn't that I am some emotional wreck, really:) It is just that I will cry when I hear your story of heartache and I will cry happy tears when something causes me to rejoice! I'm a crier, people! (although, admittedly it is sometimes embarassing)
So, although I had come to accept this about myself and even be thankful for it, I didn't want my kids to be SO much like me. When Zoey was a baby, I would think about who she would become and sort of hope that if she got any of me, it just wouldn't be
that part! At least not to the same degree. Well, be careful what you wish for, right? She doesn't look like me. She doesn't act like I would in a lot of situations. BUT, she definitely has that emotional side. That, partnered with being quick to anger, makes this difficult sometimes! Especially because she is so young and the emotions are unfiltered and new.
When you are new parents, it is fun to watch your children grow and point out features, both physical and otherwise, that come from yourself or your spouse. You can smile at the good, or place blame (he gets that from his father!). The funny thing is, when it comes to personalities, most people fit into really broad categories. Four main ones that are broken into four more, is usually what you see. You know the temperament disorders and personality type tests you take? Are you an introvert/extrovert? ISTJ? Sanguine? Melancholic? Whatever name you put on it, they are out there. Even if I fall middle of the road in some things, there are definite descriptions that are spot on in describing how I feel or react! Yes, you can overcome certain parts of your personality to be more successful in your job/relationships/etc. But it won't be as natural for you as maybe for another.
With this on the forefront of my brain, I had an epiphany the other day. It happens sometimes, and I excitely share my info with Ross whenever I see him and am certain that I will remember it and never write it down. And then I don't remember it in quite the way that I would have liked. I don't want that to happen this time! I had just finished a morning run and was walking and stretching (this is often when I get these epiphanies) when a thought popped in my head, "you/she are EXACTLY as God wanted." Hello, Holy Spirit! Right?
I know, that is not a new idea by any means. But thoughts continued and then it all perfectly made sense in my brain. I believe our children are a gift to us from God to take care of and hopefully help them on the path He has intended. Just as I believe that I am here for His purpose, either great or small, so are they. They are not mine to take "credit" for. So all that emotional stuff I have dealt with and learned to deal with and finally learned to embrace and appreciate... well, that just qualifies me to be the best mom for Zoey. She is who she is because of how God made her. How
exactly and
perfectly He made her. I am here to help her along the path, and the combo of Ross and me is the perfect one to do just that.
From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded;
and from the one who has been entrusted with much,
much more will be asked.
Luke 12:48
I have been given much. I have been entrusted in much. I must now do what is asked, instead of question, or blame, or complain.
Since my little revelation, I have looked at my kids a little differently. I have marveled at their uniqueness and been humbled by the fact, once again, that most of this is beyond my comprehension anyway.
And, I don't think it stops with our kids either. The past, good and bad, the mistakes, the challenges, the successes, and the failures... You know the cliche, that it all happens for a reason.
You can look back and see the path was unfolding as it should for you. You can see growth come from times of trial. Appreciation and joy, from success. I think we should always take it further, pass it on. There are no words to describe the comfort you can give when someone is experiencing something (again, good and bad) and you reach out and put your hand on theirs and simply say, "I've been there, and I know."
